A day at Disney World with a potentially violent ex-marine

Date: July 10th
Sector DW, Orlando, Florida
Today, our little Sandy is celebrating her fifth birthday. She’s now 5 and I realise that’s how long I’ve been depressed. She wants to go to Disney World. This is our story.

9:30 am: Here we are: Magic Kingdom, the happiest place on earth. I have a bad feeling about this. Sandy wanted to go to the Animal Kingdom, but since this terrible hunting incident last year with the scouts, I can’t be near animals.
9:45 am: The waiting line to the entrance of the park is huge and filled with fat people on mobility scooters who got more handles than the bathroom department of an IKEA store. I put my hand on my gun holder in sign of protest. My wife looks at me; she disapproves. Sandy cries.
9:46 am: Sandy still cries. My wife tells her it’ll be alright. I think about Vietnam…
10:00 am: As we enter the park some crazy old woman tells us there will be a Character Show at 12 in front of the castle. I don’t trust her. She probably works here during summer and at Wal-Mart for the other 9 months. This is not right. I tell her not to even try and I show her my gun. Sandy starts crying again. TAKE THE PAIN YOU INCONSIDERATE SPOILED BRAT! TAKE THE PAIN!
10:11 am: We arrive in front of Splash Mountain, no waiting line. I don’t like this. I look around. I feel a cold sweat down my spine. It’s either because of these stupid turkey legs they sell all around the park or because it’s a trap… The government.
10:21 am: Wow! That was the longest ride EVER! I’m stuck with this Zip-A-dee-doo-whatever song in my head. It’s some kind of trick, I feel sick. My wife tells me we should go home now. Home? I just shot a f*cking mechanical rabbit 12 times on 4 different occasions including 7 headshots because it obviously wanted to rape our child! ‘’UnZip-my-pants-will-ya?’’, remember!?And you want to leave!? We’re not leaving until this madness is over! We’re not leaving you b*tch! Oh God! Don’t cry too. We’re in this together Lucy! Together! There, have a turkey leg…
10:45 am: We’re on our way to Mickey’s house. If there’s a command center it’s over there. Cinderella’s castle would be too obvious.
11:00 am: He’s there… Mickey’s in there… We walk calmly in, I put my hand on my weapon and he sees us. HE F*CKING SEES US! I know what you’re hiding behind that everlasting grin. Should I shoot him in the chest or be a man and beat sh*t out of him with my fists? All these years of training…Vietnam. So many ways to kill a man…or an insanely big mouse. I take my wife’s hand, grab my daughter’s arm and whisper: ‘’It’s the government, run…’’. Sandy cries. She asks me why I’m doing this … I think she snapped.
9:45 pm: We’ve been hiding in the bathroom of Space Mountain for the past 10 hours. We’ve bought about 87 turkey legs; we should be fine for the next couple of days. I think they probably know we’re here. One of us is a spy. I have to plug our leak. Could it be Lucy? Why would she do that? Maybe it’s been a while. Sandy? I’ve never liked Sandy. Never thought she was my daughter. I’ve always wanted a son. I’m sorry I said it out loud Sandy.
9:50 pm: Sandy finally stopped crying. Lucy thinks its dehydration. Shut up and eat your turkey leg.
10:00 pm: What? Explosions? Sandy says it’s the fireworks. She’s so young. She has so much to learn. They’re not going to get us alive. I check my ammo… 2 bullets. Lucy says I don’t have to. I nod. This isn’t the world I wanted our daughter to live in.
10:15 pm: The explosions stopped. I’m going to stay here and wait just to see what happens.